Here, Hilary Hanafin, Ph.D., the chief psychologist at the Center
for Surrogate Parenting in Los Angeles, discusses how to talk to
children of different ages and create a family story you can live
with comfortably through the years:
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HILARY HANAFIN, Ph.D.: Most children will ask these kinds
of questions. How did I get out of your tummy? Not if. Where was
I born? Can I have a brother or sister? A lot of three-years to
six-year-olds ask these kinds of questions. The parents of ART children
have to make a choice at that point. Do they answer the question
fully and with clues to the child's unique beginnings? Do they answer
the question and cover up the ART beginning? Or do they see these
as opportunities to start to present the child's story?
The sperm and egg issue is not an issue at age five. It's the
giving birth story that five-year-olds want to know. So I'd encourage
couples who work with surrogate mothers to go ahead and introduce
the concept that maybe they were born in a different state. Maybe
they had a special friend help them because mommy's uterus didn't
work. Maybe it's mommy's a little sad sometimes that you didn't
come out of my tummy, but we had a wonderful lady who helped us
and you came out of her tummy. Sometimes around that age I've encouraged
couples to make scrapbooks—storybooks, pictures of mommy and
daddy at the hospital, mommy and daddy with the surrogate mom at
the hospital. And introduce, not sperm and egg, not conception,
but the concept that there was someone special, someone we respect,
someone that we feel very fondly of who helped us bring you into
to world. And that usually takes care of it up to about age five.
I think the other question, though, on a more psychological level
that they're asking is, "Am I connected to you? Am I forever
connected to you? Is there a chance that we're not going to be connected
together?"
The biggest danger for a parent is to not recognize what's normal
developmentally, and assume that some of these issues are because
they're ART kids. When a 12-year-old girl is angry and says, "I
wish you weren't my mom. You're not a cool mom." It's not because
you're the non-genetic mom. It's because that's how she's feeling
about you that day. All parents—especially ART parents—are
much benefited by understanding what's normal development, so they
don't contaminate and get disrupted and uncomfortable with things
that are totally normal, and forget just to see the kid as a normal
kid, and not see everything through the eyes of a non-genetic issue.
Rebecca Gitlin, 18, learned at age 6 that she had been born through
surrogacy. Her mother, Jean, starts the story:
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JEAN GITLIN: Michael and I were very apprehensive about
how to tell her, but we did know that we had to tell her. So we
went and sought counsel from a psychologist, and talked to her about
how do you tell a six year old, as opposed to an eight year old
or a nine year old about this process. And she was terrific. She
said, "Very simple statements, and very clear. And just note
that your child will either not want to hear it, or will cry and
all that."
REBECCA GITLIN: We were making family trees in our kindergarten
class. And someone—one of those girls I was having a rivalry
with—was talking about how she was adopted. So I came home
and I was like, "I'm so lucky. I'm not adopted. Katie Bloch
is so unlucky and I'm so lucky because you guys are my real parents."
And my parents were like, "Oh no." (laughs)
JEAN GITLIN: And I thought, this had to be the way that
we tell her. So I just said, "You know, I want to talk to you
about parenting, and what real parents are. Let's go over to the
couch." I could see she was looking at me because I had my
serious look on my face. And I said, you know, you've talked about
Katie's parents being adoptive parents. And in a way, you have something
special going on in your life. And I just said a few things: that
daddy's her real daddy. I'm not really her real mommy. There's another
mommy who is her real, real mommy. But I am her real mommy. And
she's looking at me and she starts to cry and she says, "What
are you talking about?" So I kind of tried to do it again and
I used the word special. I'm her special mommy, and Sherry's her
real mommy. And she started to cry and she said, "I don't want
to ever tell anybody about this." And we said OK. You don't
ever have to tell anyone about this. But anytime you have questions,
you come and ask us.
REBECCA GITLIN: I remember we were sitting in the living
room, and they told me basically, like what the process was. And
I, of course, had no idea what they were talking about. And I cried
afterwards. I called my mom "my real mommy" but then I
called Sherry "my real, real mommy." And the next morning,
in car pool with Katie, who was adopted, I was telling them what
I had learned. And they had no idea what I was talking about. So
from then on, I sort of knew that my situation was different from
normal.
JEAN GITLIN: The next day I get this phone call from my
friend Nancy Bloch, Katie's mother. "What is your daughter
talking about? What! What! You're not her real mom? You're a special
mom? That doesn't make any sense." Sure enough, she'd told
them in the car pool. I mean like, didn't waste a day!
Sometimes the kids themselves help parents keep perspective. Sixteen-year-old
Daniel Wilkins and his mother Carole Lieber Wilkins offer this advice:
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DANIEL WILKINS: With parents, although you may be staying
up late talking to each other about when to tell or whether to tell,
going to counseling and all that stuff. You have to realize something.
That no matter what, sometimes kids just don't care. And you build
up all your confidence; you're going to tell your kid. You've got
your serious face on. You're all ready. And you tell your kid. And
you get, like, "Hey, why do I care?" Don't take it too
hard. Sometimes it's not that big of a deal to kids.
CAROL LIEBER WILKINS: Which is a good point. Because we're
coming from infertility, it might be a much bigger deal for us than
it is for them.
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